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The rules of etiquette are complicated. Remembering where to find your bread plate, how to correctly pass shared dishes or what to bring to a party can make your head spin -- especially during the holidays, when get-togethers and dinner parties abound.
Add in the fact that etiquette is constantly changing and it’s easy to feel a little lost.
“People need to know that etiquette has evolved,” explains modern manners expert Jodi R.R. Smith, president of Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting and the author of The Etiquette Book: A Complete Guide to Modern Manners. “Just because you learned something at age 10, it’s not necessarily still the case. When I was 10, for example, there were no cell phones and there was no way to take a class on what to post on Facebook. People need to keep current on what’s going on.”
That’s just why we sat down with Smith for some advice on current etiquette issues. With these tips, you can be the most well-mannered guest at any party you attend from now through New Year's.
Bring a gift whenever you’re invited to someone’s home for a meal or a party. “Even if it’s my cousin’s house, it’s still some else’s home and I’m a guest,” Smith explains. “It doesn’t have to be expensive, although if you’re staying overnight you’re probably going to get a more expensive gift because you’re saving the money you would be spending on a hotel.”
So what should you bring? “In general, I’m a big fan of gourmet chocolates,” Smith says. “You can bring the little hand towels, a beeswax candle, small decorative picture frames, a box of unusual imported tea, a bottle of wine or something like that. If I’m going to do flowers, I send them in advance so that the hostess won’t have to stop and dig out a vase. Beautiful stationery is another option, or if I know someone has worked very hard to put together the dinner or party, I’ll find a day spa nearby and get a certificate for a manicure and pedicure for them.”
Find your bread plate by remembering this handy mnemonic device: BMW. “When you sit down, just think of the car,” Smith suggests. “Left to right, it’s Bread plate, Meal and Water or Wine. You eat to the left and drink to the right.”
Don’t touch anything when you first sit down at a formal dinner table. “In traditional etiquette, placing your napkin on your lap signaled that you were ready to go,” Smith explains. “But the modern etiquette is to leave the napkin where it is. So when you sit down, the first thing you should do is wait. Don’t touch anything. If you sit down and immediately pull the napkin onto your lap, you’ve broken the symmetry of the table setting. And if people are still arriving, you may need to rise to greet them and your napkin will fall to the floor. Wait until everyone is seated and the hostess puts her napkin on her lap. It’s like a giant game of follow the leader.”
Wait for everyone to be served before you begin eating at a dinner party. If you’re at a banquet or large event with a pre-set appetizer course that has already been set out, many people assume it’s okay to dive in. Not so. “Wait for the host or the manager or whoever is in charge of the event,” Smith says. “They may be about to welcome guests or say a prayer. So pause and wait before you eat.”
The exception to the wait-for-everyone rule is if you’re at a big dinner and the host or hostess insists you begin. “At my grandmother’s Thanksgiving table, there can be 36 or 37 people,” Smith explains. “My grandmother will start serving a soup course and will say, ‘Start, start; your food is getting cold!’ When they insist, it’s fine to begin, but you’re going to start slowly. You should still be eating when the host or hostess finally sits down.”
Always pass shared dishes to the right at the dinner table. “The way things travel is counter-clockwise,” Smith says. “If they’re traveling one way, it gives the hostess time to come put a few more things out before the food reaches her. And most of us are right-hand dominant, so passing to the right means that you’re grabbing the dish with your left hand and serving it with your right, or more dominant, hand.”
But what if you’re at a dinner party where dishes are being passed willy-nilly? “If it’s just a family thing, you can say, ‘I just read in this great magazine that everything’s supposed to go counter-clockwise! Let’s try that and see if it makes it any easier!’ ” Smith says. “Not that you would do that at your boss’s dinner table.”
Pour wine slowly if you happen to be responsible for a bottle. “When you have a wine glass, don’t fill it to the rim,” Smith says. “You’re filling it about halfway for red wine, maybe a little more for white wine. Pour slowly and at the end, if you do a slight twist of the wrist, this helps get the drip to pull back in. If you’re standing when you pour, always stand behind and to the right of the person you’re pouring for and pour to the right side of them.”
Turn off your phone before you sit down to dinner. “When you’re at the dinner table, stop calling and texting,” Smith says. “If you’re hosting, you can even collect everyone’s cell phone in a pretty basket, cover it with a kitchen towel and set it aside. They can check calls in between the entrée and dessert.”
If you keep your phone with you, turn it to silent – not to vibrate. “We can still hear it vibrate,” Smith notes. “This is especially important to teach teenagers. So many have poor social skills and they won’t learn them if they sit and text at the table. They won’t get those conversational skills.”
Follow the lead of your host if you’ve been invited to dinner at a restaurant. “If I’m a guest at someone else’s table, I’ll wait to see what they order,” Smith says. “If they order an appetizer, you should order an appetizer because you never want to have food brought for them while you have nothing in front of you. If you’re the guest and you order an appetizer while they don’t, they have to sit there and watch you eat. Look for cues and clues. If they don’t order an alcoholic drink, you should also stay non-alcoholic.”
Provide abundant information when you’re the one hosting a party. If you invite people to come over at 1, but you plan to have everyone watch the game before you serve the meal at 4, tell people this upfront. “That way, the mother of a toddler who usually naps from 1 to 3 can say, ‘We’ll be there at 3:30 when Little Bobby wakes up from his nap’,” Smith notes. “And your other guests know they’ll be having an early dinner instead of a late lunch, so they won’t come hungry.”
If you’re throwing a potluck dinner, advertise it on your invitation, Smith says. “Make sure you’re clear about the fact that people will be expected to bring a dish instead of telling them once they’ve responded,” she says. And make sure to tell guests what the dress code will be. “Saying something like, ‘festive attire’ isn’t specific enough because it can mean different things to different people,” Smith says. “So tell them it’s business casual, for example, or that you expect them to wear their most outrageous holiday sweater.” The key is making it easy for the guests to know what to bring, when to arrive and what to wear.
Send a handwritten thank-you note, not a thank-you email. “An emailed thank-you note says you cared enough to do the very least,” Smith says. So if someone has you over for dinner or a party, send them a handwritten note soon after. “In the South, they make a competitive sport of it,” she says. “People will bring empty thank-you notes to the event and will write one on the spot to leave in the hostess’s mailbox.” You don’t have to do that, but try to write within a few days. “In general, earlier is better,” Smith says. “The later you send it, the longer the note needs to be. Even if someone has just had you over for pizza and beer, they’ve taken the time to do something for you and it’s important to thank them appropriately.”
Having trouble finding the words? Use Smith’s fun Thank You Note Wizard to help formulate a letter, but remember to handwrite it yourself. Visit www.mannersmith.com/resources/tyn_wizard.cfm to build your own note.
Tip well. This is the time of year to remember the people who make our lives easier. So don’t forget to tip people such as your hairdresser, your regular babysitter, your housecleaner, your dog walker and more. Here are some general guidelines from Smith about how much you should pay:
For more tips on tipping – and on etiquette – visit Smith’s website at www.mannersmith.com.
