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Along with turkey dinners, family get-togethers and lots of shopping, this season also can bring with it a less desirable tradition: holiday stress. Issues with family, finances and time management often come to a head during the final two months of the year, leading to tension and even depression during what should be a happy season. With demands on your time, bickering relatives and dwindling bank accounts, how can you keep your head above water?
We sat down with Maitland-based certified life coach Merrill Frailey, the founder of ChooseJoy Life Coaching, to talk about just that. Here’s what she said:
Start with a Ta-Da! list instead of a To-Do list: During the holidays, it often seems that the demands on our time multiply exponentially. Frailey suggests making a list each morning of the tasks you hope to accomplish that day. “When each task is done, cross it off and say, ‘ta-da!’ ” Frailey says. “It’s much better and more fun than a to-do list. Whatever isn’t crossed off goes on tomorrow’s holiday list. So at night, when you go to sleep, you can clear the decks, sleep well and be prepared for the next day.”
Think realistically: We’re a society that idolizes superheroes. During the holidays, remember that you, in fact, are not Wonder Woman or Superman. You’re human and that means there’s a limit to what you can accomplish each day. “If you set out to do too much, you will only end up stressed and you will forget what you are celebrating,” Frailey says. “Be present in the moment and don’t beat yourself up for what still needs to be done. Lower the expectations and forget the woulda, coulda, shouldas. And don’t compare your family to others. We are all different and wonderful in our own way. Own your traditions. The quirks that make up your family make us all unique!”
Delegate: Don’t feel like you have to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. Instead, make sure you assign tasks to other family members to reduce your own workload. “Thinking you can do it all yourself is a joke and is unfair to you and your family,” Frailey explains. “Getting others to help will ease the anxiety and stress in your life, even though they may not do things perfectly or your way. Remember, family is another word for team. Go team!”
Don’t judge helpers harshly: One of the biggest enemies of delegating is hanging on to the belief that it’s your way or the highway. So if you ask for help – which you should be doing – give the helper some credit. “The biggest joy-stealer of the season is the line, ‘You’re doing it wrong!’ ” Frailey says. “If you ask your husband, wife or child to help wrap a gift, set a table, sign a card or even light a candle, go with this rule: ‘Whoever is doing it is doing it right!’ Don't suck the joy out of the room and lose all your helpers. Instead, say ‘Thank you’ and ‘Well done’ when you receive assistance!”
Don’t be afraid to say no: Too often this time of year we take on too many responsibilities simply because we feel that refusing a request is rude. But remember that every time you say ‘yes’ you have to say ‘no’ to something else, Frailey points out. “Try to remember that you only have 168 hours in a week and each one is a gift,” she says. “So even if the ‘no’ means a ‘yes’ to staying home in comfy pajamas to build a fire, it is a powerful ‘no’ and a ‘yes’ to something meaningful, healthy and good. Choose to spend your time and energy on things that bring you joy and mental health.”
Take care of yourself: During the holidays, it’s all too easy to focus on our shortcomings or the ways we’re not living up to expectations. But make a daily appointment with yourself to remember all the things you bring to the table. “This holiday season, focus on what’s great about you and forget what’s not,” Frailey says. “Find joy in your own reflection.” That also means taking care of yourself instead of neglecting your needs in favor of others. “Remember how important self-care is over the holidays,” Frailey says. “Keep exercising. Eat right. Drink lots of water. Extend grace. Rest and be present. That is the best gift you can give yourself and others.”
Don’t hold grudges: Chances are, we’ve all been wronged at some point during the year. During the holidays, promise yourself to let go of lingering resentment for good. “Make up, let go and forgive,” Frailey says. “Don’t let it fester within you and ruin your holidays. This is a great time of year to extend grace to ourselves and also to others. Forgiveness is not an ‘if’ or ‘when,’ as in, ‘I will forgive them ‘if and when’ they say sorry.’ No, forgiveness is a must, as in, ‘I must forgive in order to live fully.’ So let go, extend grace and make peace.”
Set the tone: Ultimately, you’re responsible for charting the course of your own holiday satisfaction. “The meaning of life is the meaning we give it,” Frailey explains. “And the meaning of our holidays is the meaning we give it too. We all have busy lives, in-laws and family that can drive us a little batty, and lists a mile long. The most important thing to remember is that you almost always have a choice in the way you handle it, look at it, embrace it. Tough choice doesn't mean no choice. We forget that we do have a choice many times in what is going on around and in us. Just do your best, for it will look different each and every day throughout the season. Be gentle with yourself and enjoy!”
For more tips from Frailey, check out her blog, www.JustMerrill.com, or visit www.ChooseJoyLifeCoaching.com.
